my own little world, hope to some day find you there..

Life isn’t the fairy-tale I’ve been sketching in my mind huh?

Well, allow me to go out there, find it, and don’t ever settle for anything less than just that… “i hope you’re not lonely without me”

society..

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then again.. Some people have real problems..

Ally McBeal You know what makes my problems bigger then everyone else’s? They’re mine.

“WHERE MY JOB AT??”

well yes…

ugh… I *should*  probably go back to what i was doing.. but …. ugh!! the hell! I’m sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I-don’t-even-know-how-to-describe-myself-right-now!!!!

so… what to do when words *just* aren’t enough?! IMAGES! yes!!

I’ll let this lovely lady here let do all the sweet talking:

(feelssss as of now):

clear enough???…. are we in the same page now??…. we are yeah… ok.. now walk with me s’il vous plaît.

Actually, before I even start… WHAT’S WITH THE WORDPRESS EDITOR TODAY??!! gee I’m writing this in a 3″ dialogue box!

(just be zen…. just…yeah just try…. aha… zen….. ok, try and be zen.. maybe?…..)

(ok breathe…….write….now….explanations…. GO!…)

(….)Thing is,  there’s nothing really and at the same time there’s a lot of things i guess.. I’ve been looking for a job for the past… ahem… 6 months maybe..

Issue seems to be I don’t really know where to ap … nah, (break) my mind is just too ->

QUICK UPDATE: One thing down.. I just found a “work around” to the itsy-bitsy screen..   😀 i guess HAHA

where was I…. oh yeah, the work thing (or the no-work thing I should say), well yes, I’ve send applications like crazy (to jobs I consider myself to be a great fit for). So far I have received a few rejections (4 maybe), nothing to bad.. the main issue here is that the majority of the positions are just

yeah i don’t know if I want to continue writing this post anymore…. I actually don’t know what I’m writing about…. i have experience in my field, I am an honest, capable, responsible employee.. (yes i am).. so… yeah I guess I just have to keep sending job applications and.. well, hoping for the best.. so far I can’t think of anything better to do.

UPDATE TWO: It was actually a good idea to give myself a break from the day and just stop for a little while with this “hunt”..   it was seriously getting on my nerves.. I mean, I can (most of the time) handle stress pretty well, (i can show you vouchers 😉  ha!).. it’s just that sometimes one can get a bit frustrated ….(and now i’m going to stop writing about it..) enough to say I took a breathe, and i’m feeling much better now..

LAST THING: Tomorrow i’ll be going to a Concert…. my Teenage self just can’t keep her emotions under control due to the awesome-fact that she’ll finally be seeing her all time favorite band! HAHAHA BACKSTREETBOYS baby!!!

 

–Music used on this session: The Distillers and Skrillex

::writing does great things for me::

k, over and out..

xx

 

 

I got a Liebster Award!!

Here i am, I had forgotten how much I like to be on my Computer (not just online on any internet device, but actually in My Computer!) feels really cozy in here  (˘‿˘ʃƪ)

allow me to set the mood for you with some Punk!

right now? Ramones, prior to that, a mix of The Distillers, NOFX, Misfits and Dead Kennedys. yes, it’s been one of those days!.

I’m not much of a Punk fan per se, i just enjoy my music. I have my moments. =)

ok, let’s get down to bussiness..

I was selected by a lovely Blogger: Gabbi (which, if you have not read, you totally should!)  to continue on this lovely mission of Liebster Award – Spreading the Joy.  IMHPV this is basically a friendship project (?) in which you get to know your favorite bloggers a bit more by answering a game of questions. Am i mumbling again? yeah maybe I am, ok on we go:

Liebster Award Rules:

1. List eleven random facts about yourself
2. Nominate eleven bloggers for the award
3. Let them know about the nomination
4. Answer the eleven questions you were asked when you were nominated
5. Ask eleven questions for the new award winners to answer

Let me wake the hamster in my brain.

.

• 11 facts about yours truly:

1. I love Music.
2. I absolutely adore to sing. I sing everyday, at all times; I sing when I’m stressed (last time i was in one of those terrible situations, J.Lo popped into my head and refused to leave my head until I was totally calm and back to being the usual me, i know.. don’t judge! haha 
3. DOGS ❤ specially my late Scottish Terrier. How I love that little monster! (still cry sometimes late at night, i miss him so much. I think I did everything that was in my hands to care for him,none the less it was so painful, it just hurt so much and I wish we haven’t passed for that experience, at least not the way it all developed). I miss you burry! ❤
4. I am a child at heart. My mum’s always telling me to grow up. it’s not like I’m a little brat, it’s just that sometimes I think i have a childish way to see the world. I like that about me, so.
5. I truly believe in Happily Ever After. & God help me, I won’t settle for anything less than that. I’m not asking for a knight in shiny amour or anything like that, I just know exactly what i want, I have a very strong mind about it. I also enjoy talking to my sisters and closest friend about our future, and how life’s going to be for us, and our imaginary-husbands, and pets, and maybe children. (am I a bit crazy? yes, it’s been suggested) 🙂
6. I enjoy my time alone, I love being with my own company. One might think I’m alone, but there’s a whole amazing world inside this head. I’m so confy here. =)
7. I don’t have as many friends as I would like, however I know the ones I have up until this day, are totally Golden! Hearts with Legs! haha
8. I’m not much for labels, however I think if I’d have to wear one, i would proudly wear the one reading Introvert. You see, I used to have conflicts with myself (not to mention the outside world) about this, the way I am: why so serious? (see what I did there?), are you bored?, leave her alone she’s so shy, she’s so boring, etc.. You know what? I’m not any of those things, I just have a hard time making friends/talking to people for the first time.  You see, I’m “cool”…..once you get to know me! haha Anyhow, I’m at peace with the subject now. =)
9. (I’ll steal this question from the ones asked to Gabbi by The Infertile Princess: “2. If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do with your winnings?” ) Maybe because I’ve been thinking about similar things the past couple of weeks, but, if I had the means, not necessarily Lottery money, but enough for, I would undoubtedly give enough to my parents so they did not have to work another day in their life. I owe them everything I am and every possibility of anything I might ever be, and for that i am Forever Thankful to both of them.
10. If I had my way (which I probably do but for some reason or another I may be to “coward/scared/whatever” to do it) I would absolutely love to be a Singer, like professional singer =D, Editor, and/or Songwriter, and I had one more dream-job in mind but totally forgot about it just now.
11. (which funny enough brings me to my last random point).. I tend to remember things most people forget. =D  (funny huh? hahaha) I doooooo I do!!  Ok, I need to clarify a bit then, if I am the one doing the talking and an idea comes to my mind but i don’t say it right away, odds are i’ve already forgotten it by the time i actually get to talk. On the other hand, when the “memory” is in regards to somewhere/someone else but me, and you want to remember a detail about it, I’m your girl! 😉

phew! this was fun!! I hope someone eventually reads it..

• 11 bloggers to get the Award

I might have to get back to you on this, due to the fact I’m new here and I’m still exploring The-Depths-of-the-WordPress world.

😉

• Inquiries made by Gabbi

1. What is your life philosophy? I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to.
2. What is the first thing you do when you get up in the morning? grab my iPhone (i look at my emails and any FB notification i might have), and search for my rosary (which I tend to keep in my hand trough the night) and say a prayer in Thanks. 
3. Who is your favorite artist? These tend to change A.LOT. in regards to my mood, right now I have these: Paloma Faith, Milow, and the ALWAYS lovely doesnt-matter-what Hello Saferide.
4. Other than you, who do you love the most? funny enough I think I don’t love myself enough/how i should. but back to the question….. my parents.
5. If you could change one thing in the world, what would that be? I would need to give some serious thought about this one, I’d like to think myself as someone who doesn’t take major (world-changing) things lightly.. but to give a quick answer right now, I’d eliminate the poverty in the world, not a single day would anyone go to bed hungry, or even not have a home to go to., I’ll not enter into too much detail here (because my mind has several side notes on this subject). =)
6. What keeps you motivated? The image in my mind sowing me that I CAN, the thought in the back of my mind saying that I WANT, and the images of amazing people around me showing me that IT’S POSSIBLE.
7. What is your favorite book or work of art? I kinda hate motivation books, but i absolute love Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, given to my by my gorgeous aunt, I loved the time we shared. Other than that, I loved Romeo & Juliette by Jeanne Ray. She makes the read so funny and, personal. I felt at home reading this book. (it’s not the classic William Shakespeare play by the way).
8. Why do you write? I enjoy it. I like to know I can express my thoughts this way.
9. What is your favorite food? dunno…. I might need some thinking on this, don’t have one in particular i think… that said, I love my mum’s cheese pay (the Best in all land). I also enjoy most things Orange-made: ice cream, water, fruit haha,.
10. What dreams do you have/are you working on? Yeah, this might take a while.. haha soo many projects, so many dreams. (
11. What is your favorite place to be? Home. Trully Home!.

• Since I haven’t nominated Bloggers, I’ll leave this part open for anyone who might feel like sharing 11 things:

1. How do you feel right now?
2. What is the thing/activity you enjoy doing the most?
3. What kind of music do you like?
4. What do you think about life?
5. How did you meet your BestFriend?
6. Favorite Book?
7. One day change, who/what would you like to be any why?
8. A perfect day, how would it go?
9. If you could go anywhere in the world, forget about money worries and all, just the one place you would go no matter what. Where would it be?
10. (I confess the all my writing went smoothly -up until this point, haha I think I’m having a severe case of “bloggers block”  XD) Oh yes! I got it, What are you afraid of the most?
11. Which brings me to: What is your favorite cartoons/show as a child? (and forgive me for answering this myself but, did anyone else absolutely loved The Pirates of Dark Water?? hahaa ok, going now. =)

YAY that was fun!!

I hope to hear from you, lovely imaginary friends!

xx

cArOliNe

It’s still my BirthDay!!

it’s still my birthday

 

DEAR INTERNET-OID, You should know:

• I wrote this in a hurry.
• I wanted it to be posted on my birthday.
• On my phone it says I succeeded, on the PC it says I failed miserably by 1 lousy second!
• These days I like my phone better so… computer time-zone, screw you! >.<
• it was one of my best birthdays to date, nothing fancy or pretentious about it, just filled with the greatest joy after recovering the faith in humanity 😀 (and the east coast system)
• oh, and yeah, this still needs Editing.

 

so this how my day revealed..

and even though I had some doubts about it yesterday, i can now say it’s been easily one of the best birthdays Ever!

 

Why is that? (you may wonder….. yeah, you know you are…don’t try to hide it..) well my imaginary friend, speculate no more!

 

It started like most days do, a breathtaking sunrise (only witnessed by a lucky few).. weather a bit sticky for this time of year, yes, this year the birthday’s taking place in moody East side.. aaaand with the usual lovely Family gathering round in my room singing me the Happiest if Birthdays Song! They all sang very cheerful to me 😃!. (i.know!.)

 

 

So anywho, it was already up with a Great Start. I might confess i was a bit nervous tho, you see, it wasn’t going to be my typical birthday. This day we were going to go to a Clinic to try and see if by any chance strike-of-luck we could get somebody to actually help us (my Mom actually), get an application form for Breast Cancer treatment.

 

Yeah, i will get into that story later.. still to painful to go back to that slot in my memory.

 

 

 

So, *clearing throat* long story short, on a silly day mid 2011 we received what to this day could easily be one ( if not “the” ) most horrific shocking news of my life, and, my mom was diagnosed.. the outlook? Not so good..

 

Lucky for us, She found the most amazing Team of Doctors in the West Coast, with them and God’s help she got a lot better, and now almost two years later, she’s doing good and under control.

 

(so many things to say, so many people to Thank!) ..Yes, i will get into that later..

 

 

 

So, back to the present!

We needed to go to this Clinic to ask for an enrollment form to a program where she could continue seeing a Doctor, and taking care of herself.

 

To this day we have “wasted” almost 6 months trying to find a program for her.

We visited several times all the Offices/Health Clinics in our area, only to find that no one has actually a clue of their job there, had the minimum basic people skills, and could help us even pointing a light at the end of the Bureaucratic Tunnel.. No one but One girl.

 

Today we met the most amazing Social Worker ever!

 

Seeing the infinite sea of ignorance in those places, I started doing my own research, going trough Federal and State health webpages; and yes! I found this program no one in the whole district seems to know anything about! MBCC (Medicaid for Breast and Cervical Cancer).

 

We went then to the offices again, information at hand, still their answer was a crooked smile followed by an impersonal “i don’t know anything about it, go to XY office…again”).

 

You can imagine just how frustrated we were by that point. I mean, I did my research, i went into your job pages/information, i have proof here that this program exists, that your office is the one in charge of the applications and Im not crazy coming here again…. And you still choose to tell me off?!

 

 

 

Say it with me: PLEASE!!!!

 

 

 

Deep down i was starting to feel faith slowly fading away. I honestly felt it. 😦

I also was ignoring the feeling because, faith lasts forever, right?! So it can’t just go, how could it have banished?! No, we must keep trying, there’s gotta be someone, please God?

 

Right about then, we saw light.. (after bumping into a couple nurses which also turned us down, but whatever now) so yes! We found her! Social Worker in station #x.

 

At first she was Honest and said she haven’t heard about that program we were trying to enroll my mum into. (Both my mum’s and my heart sinked deep ..DEEP I’m telling you) ..then she did the Human thing to do: she performed a quick search in her computer (I’m sure a bit alarmed by my mums and mine’s deep pale faces! hehe), and BINGO! What do you know? She actually found information about the program!!

 

Was that so hard to do that not even one of the other people we saw was just so into their business not to do?!!!!

 

Once I saw that, i (again) literally felt life rushing back into my body! I started to react and i showed her my research, told her more information on my findings, and sooner than what-do-you-know! She was on the phone calling here and there, getting us as much help and information on the case!!

 

 

Can I get an AMEN?!!!

 

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

 

 

You have just no.idea. How good that moment felt, for me and i’m sure specially for my mum!! It was like a huge lift was taken out of our shoulders.

Yes she needs to get accepted to this program still, but God we found the angel we needed merged into this young Lady, all willing to help us, and like I said in the beginning, showing us some light at the end of the Tunnel.

 

At that point i was like YES!

It may not be an usual start of day

It may not be the best start for a birthday girl to spend all morning at the social clinic…

It may not be a bunch of stuff

 

But you know what it was? What it felt like??

 

 

The Bestest Birthday gift ever!!

 

 

With God’s help we all will be ok.

He’s been with us this whole time, we have faith we still be walking with us by His hand..

 

So Thank you Lord, for once again, putting the right people right in front of us. And always being with us.

 

 

 

–PendingEdit
xx

 

 

 

i miss my best friend

 

 

 

This image would describe us..this image could’ve served as our flag..we’re like this is my memories.. we’re like this in my mind.

Time & again i find myself traveling down MemoryLane, when we talked about everything and nothing at all, that was ok, and this used to be us: inseparable, always living inside our own little world for two, awkward to outsiders, amazingly weird together.

So, what happened now? Why’s everything changed? Why is it there’s nothing there where we left it? (*sigh* we left it..)

..’we left it’ screams my mind. That seems to be the recurring-coherent-obvious-logical answer-thing peaking through my mind.. We left it to get dust, we left it all alone, we turned away and left our friendship on its own. We didn’t mind coming back to check upon it, you tried once, i wasn’t ready, i tried once, i wasn’t ready.

It’s not forgotten, im sure it never has been, we just kept going different ways, never forgetting but never coming back, not in the time we needed, never like the times we had.

Now years later we finally stop, we now turn back, only to find that same old frienship, still there, right were we left it. Barely alive, so very different now, …still it’s carried us in time.

In a way it’s all different, in a way it’s all the same.
We’re now trying to go back.
I just wish i knew how.

Even though time has passed,
you’ve never left my mind.
and if Time’s all we’ve shared,
Time won’t tear us apart.

I’ll always have my memories,
You’ll always be my BestFriend..

xx

::cArO::

 

 

 

MovingSpaces

This came out..

              Italo Calvino said: The more enlightened our houses are, the more their walls ooze ghosts.

Image credit: “love Don’t live here anymore…” – © 2009 Robb North – made available under Attribution 2.0 Generic

sometimes i feel just like that house, (used to be a home), but love don’t live here anymore..

Still a home is so much more, a home is where you are in peace with yourself, i am who i am and it is enough, it is ok.

I am currently trying to be that home, and i have always had a pretty clear image in the back of my mind of just how i want that home to be; i want it to be me, i want it to feel mine, fresh, open, loving.. In a way just like this house, the foundation is still there, the freshness, the open world, the air, the grass, the …Life!

’tis just me